A new sort of freedom

It is so inspiring to hear and to read how others have faced difficulties in their lives.

As an adult living in the world, even one as isolated as I had been, one knows that nothing you experience is gone through by you alone. So many others are going through similar things each day. And still, it is such an easy thing to suffer in seclusion.

Until recently I did not know that communities of such wonderful people existed as exist in blogs and naturism and the homosexual community. Had I stopped to think about it at all I would have thought that such groups would have been exclusive of one another, not mixing except in the rarest of confluences.

As I was raised, being naked except for the purpose of bathing or changing clothes, was a perversion. Going naked was something only very strange people on the fringes of society, in pagan cults, would do. What a delight to find that those who live in the simple beauty of nakedness are the same as any other people, perhaps with an extra glimmer of enlightenment.

The topic of homosexuality was never raised within my family nor with my ex-husband. Only in literature did I glimpse one gender’s attraction to another of the same gender. In the sort of literature I read however, such attraction was romanticised to the point of being hidden beneath all the fairy dust and flowery prose. It was not presented as something that could actually happen.

If my ex-husband was watching the news and an item reported anything about homosexuals, he would rail against it as ‘those filthy perverts’ airing dirty laundry in public, as if such behaviour were the stuff of animals and not humans. I would quietly agree, not really having an opinion of my own.

How different one’s life can be in the shortest span of time.

Now that I exist within the blogging, the naturism, and the homosexual communities, albeit on the outer fringes, I appreciate the support and more than that, the friendliness of the wonderful people I have found and who have found me.

I am not one to join clubs or organisations and despite that I have been accepted.

Thank you so very much. All of you who have written or just silently read, you have touched my heart.

Until next we meet,

Kate

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changing labels?

Oh dear, it seems I am caught in a flurry of labels and none seem to fit, quite.

Not so very long ago, and for a long time before that, my label was a very firm ‘housewife’. I am aware how archaic that sounds nowadays but that is what I was known as. I was a wife and I stayed largely in my husband’s home, ergo, housewife.

As I have mentioned before it was not an especially pleasant situation but it was all I knew for as long as I could remember so had I settled into, as people do, and stayed there until I was wrenched out of it, unceremoniously and swiftly, having been ‘traded-in on a newer model’ as the saying goes.

Within a short time I was no longer the settled housewife, albeit in a very deep rut, but a single woman rendered directionless by circumstance.

Life carried on and a situation came about in which I was to spend a great deal of my day naked about the house. And so I was suddenly a nudist or a naturist, a label to replace housewife.

Then I found that life had provided me with emotional and physical joy and comfort in the arms of a dear friend. Next I am wearing the additional label, lesbian.

From a housewife to a lesbian nudist almost overnight. How does such a thing happen?

Perhaps I am being a little over-dramatic about all this. After all, nobody has actually come out and called me that, I suppose I’m just over-aware of how labels are attached to people now.

If you were to ask me, ‘who are you?, I would answer I am a divorced woman of a certain age who is discovering a fresh life.

Am I being silly to be so wary of labels?

For me, going naked about the house is not a statement of any sort. It’s something I more or less fell into in the presence of one (Audrey) who did it. I find it comfortable and so I continue to do it.

Joining Audrey in my bed or hers to share intimate physical enjoyments does not preclude, in my mind at least, the possibility that I may one day meet a man with whom I could enjoy a relationship, physical or not.

Having said that I will not label myself as ‘bisexual’ either. So much has happened so quickly that frankly, I don’t know which way I favour. The physical relations I had with my ex-husband were never anything I enjoyed. I don’t believe it was because of a tendency in me toward women, more likely it was a lack of any sort of physical attraction or skill in either of us, he or me. Had I been with a man to whom I felt attracted it may well have been different and my foray into the sapphic may never have occurred.

The fact that my first ever orgasm was delivered by a woman (Audrey) does not necessarily prove that I have a proclivity toward the homosexual, though I suspect it may well be so. Should a man have delivered me to the heights of climax would I have never drifted? I can’t really say.

Oh dear, this has all gotten rather more complicated than I had set out for it to be.

I suppose to boil it all down, I was labeled as a housewife for many years and I am afraid, I suppose, of being labeled once more, this time as a nudist and a lesbian.

As a friend I care as deeply as one may for Audrey. As a lover I also care deeply. I wish to take nothing away from the relationship we have come to know in what is really only the last month, the physical aspect at least.

I have no desire to be an example to anyone. I am grasping in the dark to find my way as so many doubtless do. I do suspect however, that Audrey and the naked thing will persist and flourish. I so delight in it.

I imagined for a long time that I would be a housewife forever so all I can say is, we shall see.

Please forgive the rambling. I hope it hasn’t all sounded too dreadfully clinical. I’m trying to get at something elusive.

Until next we meet,

Kate

‘coming out’ to friends. The expected and surprising.

As mentioned on the third  of this month when I wrote about the deeply embarrassing occasion of my having answered my front door naked to friends, Audrey and I invited our dearest friends to visit on Sunday night last.

Tea and biscuits were laid on, plainly too many biscuits but biscuits are such a comfort in times of high tension I find.

I had invited friends for tea at eight and by half-past we were all there.

We, Audrey and I, had discussed how best to approach our delicate matter and we resolved to first mention the topic of our nudism at home, then the fact that I did not indeed have a man friend, and then to drop the largest of packages, our romantic relationship.

The matter of our home nudism ruffled barely any feathers at all which was a surprise. Slightly embarrassed tittering and open-mouthed amazement greeted that announcement. Anne asked how it worked and why. Ruby, our eldest friend admitted, with a scarlet face, that she too goes about her house naked, since her husband Robert passed four years ago. The consensus was that nobody was fussed as long as they were not expected to participate. I assured them it was a choice, not a requirement and that we would not expose them to the embarrassment of being clothed while we went bare. It would be our own activity. We did add that if they wished to join us we would not object. All naked or none, that was our final consensus.

The next tricky thing was to extricate myself from the lie about my non-existent male friend. I found the only way was to tell them directly. I told them the truth, that I was naked at home and I had been expecting Audrey with whom I go naked at home. Having taken my home nudity in their stride it didn’t seem a bridge too far to encompass my answering the door naked to Audrey. There was some discussion about my having created a male friend but it was good-natured. We laughed. Antonia did ask if I had been seeing someone. The other were expectant and the moment had come. It was uncomfortable. I had no idea what their reaction would be to the news of Audrey and me.

I looked at Audrey. She was as quiet as the grave and slightly pale. She just nodded a very slight nod to me and a tiny smile.

My memory of precisely how it went is blurred. Audrey told me after that it came as a flurry followed by silence, a long silence. I can only recall the long silence.

Apparently I just came out with it, no pun intended, and said that Audrey had been a comfort since my marriage had collapsed and that we had found our feelings went deeper than either had expected. I said I did not know if it was a deep and abiding love but there are deep feelings that we have expressed emotionally and physically. I said that were are not ashamed of it and that we both felt our friends deserved to know. I said if they did not wish to be our friends anymore that I would understand but I would be saddened and disappointed. That was all I said, Audrey told me, and then the silence fell.

Clarissa said something under her breath that sounded like ‘disgusting’, stood and left. The silence deepened.

Ruby broke the silence when she said ‘well, good for you’. She said she’d never been tempted by another woman but that her thinking was that love is rare and she doesn’t think it matters where it comes from. The others just murmured and nodded their agreement. Anne began to cry and stood and hugged both Audrey and me. She kept saying ‘so brave, so brave’. Joan just said she understood but her husband would not so she just wouldn’t tell him. Then she smiled and laughed a nervous laugh. Antonia’s face was serious and she just nodded.

Michelle had been very quiet and was last to speak. She hesitated a lot and ummed and aahed. Then she seemed to gain a little strength, I could see it happen. She told us then that she since her divorce eleven years ago she had been having a relationship with her neighbour, Noelene. We all gaped at her, even Audrey and me. Michelle was the last one any of us would have expected to be involved with a woman. She spends so much time surrounded by male friends, at tennis and at parties. She has even been seen about town with a man, Geoffrey, at dinners and at drinks parties. Geoffrey is gay, Michelle told us. A dark horse, Michelle.

We have none of us heard from Clarissa since she walked out on Sunday night. I suppose she must be struggling to understand. Perhaps not. Perhaps she just can’t accept such a thing. She is a dear friend and I miss her awfully. Perhaps in time.

Audrey and I asked Michelle and Noelene for dinner on Tuesday evening. It was delightful. We spent the whole time exchanging stories and we promised each other that we would keep our knowledge of each others’ relationships between us and our little circle of friends.

Ruby visited on Monday. We all went naked. Now our little band of home nudists numbers three. I did ask Michelle and Noelene about it but they are quite conservative in their own way so they said no. Never mind. It is a very personal thing to do and I have no intention of becoming some sort of evangelist for nudism.

In the end, apart from Clarissa, our friendships have not altered at all; they have all deepened still further if anything. We have discovered things about each other we had never suspected and we are all carrying on as ever. We do exchange pointed glances, our little group, when we lunch, sometimes. But they are good-natured, cheeky glances, and that is rather fun.

Without being indelicate I must spill the beans on one thing, following that Sunday night dinner Audrey and I did enjoy quite the time after we had gone to bed. It seems our unburdening released a sort of genie from its bottle. I shall say no more about that at the risk of embarrassing myself, and you. Suffice to say the evening had not run out of surprises.

I am so pleased that everything is out in the open. Life in my little Monet house and out and about has become so much more breezy and carefree.

Until next we meet,

Kate.

Is this me now?

Further to my posting of yesterday, I find myself in something of a state.

Having shone light upon a certain intimacy that happened between my friend, Audrey and myself I must say there is a great deal more depth to that particular pond than may have been apparent.

Oh dear, I’ve opened the can now so I suppose I’ll have to dish it out. Here goes.

This once, and not so very long ago, staid and restrained suburban woman whose only partner in life had been a man of suitable age until quite recently, has become something of an adventurer. The intimacy nodded towards with Audrey did, is, of a deeply intimate sort. We are at present sharing a bed and though we do sleep in it, we do not only sleep if you see what I’m getting at.

It transpires that my dear friend Audrey, who I’ve known for many years, is a lesbian. It’s something she’s kept quiet all these years. And now I am confused. Very confused.

Though her seduction of me was not a one-sided thing, it may not have come about as it did had I not consumed a great deal of wine that evening. Never have I entertained the slightest notion of myself as an admirer of women, at least not in an intimate way. Naturally I have admired some sorts of clothes and how some women wear them. Even a woman of handsome appearance could turn my head to glance. Never, though, had there been any hint of intimate attraction.

And so you may see my confusion. Without revealing certain, graphic details, let me say that I presently enjoy the sort of relations of a sexual nature, with Audrey, that previously I had imagined only took place between a man and a woman. Oh, naturally I’d heard mention of such things here and there but I’d never thought twice about it.

Does this mean that I too am a lesbian now? Have I crossed to the other side of the street, as it were? Does the fact that the first climax I have ever experienced was delivered by a woman mean that that is the way I am now? Although my husband, ex-husband, was only ever intimate in the most perfunctory way, to give himself release, I’d always imagined that my rightful place was at the side of a man. Was I mistaken? Was I this way all along? Or is this a passing thing?

If anybody is seeing this I would appreciate your opinion.

By Tuesday or Wednesday I’ll be back, safely ensconced in my freshly renovated home. Perhaps the change of scene will lend me some perspective on these shocking revelations. Breathing different air may be just the thing.

Will I go about naked in my own home as I do in Audrey’s? Yes, I rather think I will. I have grown accustomed to the free feeling it provides and when it comes to it, the relaxation.

Will I feel the pull of the intimate with Audrey when we’re no longer living under the same roof? I can’t say. I have grown accustomed to the physical contact and I must admit to enjoying the thrill it gives. A climax is an addiction of sorts I admit. However, do I wish to be drawn into another domestic relationship so soon after the finish of the last? I don’t think so. Is sexual contact for its own sake something I do now? I can scarcely imagine it. Given my history, I am not a one to jump into anything without consideration. However, recent developments have given lie to that so who can say?

Aside from the excitement my newly styled house is producing in me, life has me utterly flummoxed right at this moment.

Until next we meet,

Kate